Monday, April 2, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Have you ever had to sit and wait, just wait
for something to happen
have you ever analyzed that feeling of despair
the nervousness that takes over you
jitters, water dancing in our bowels
like so many ballerinas at recital
you watch the clock in intervals of minutes
swearing its been hours
the wait is not over
and the thought of it being over
is more frightening still
Friday, March 16, 2012
Every day I find I have the same challenge. What should my blog be about today? It seems when I want to write most, topics elude me. Most of my work you see is poetry. I think like a poet, no matter what there is to say it comes out in the form of stanzas. Blogging is a new thing for me although writing is not. I have had so many poetry blogs throughout the years that I'm sure there's a minuscule file out there in cyberspace with my name somewhere.
Let's see I've had MySpace, writers something or other, of course Facebook and I currently own a blogspot and a Wordpress account. Yes I am officially all over the place. However it is my intent to correct all of my numerous wanderings by consolidating all of my work in one word home. My very own site. Still the change is wearing on me. I have many questions. Will people visit my new site even though they're use to going into blogger to find me? You know how people hate to be indisposed. Most people, even when they can find you, rarely go looking for you. The truth is writers are very selfish creatures. They don't mind one bit having you read and gloat over their work yet, when it comes to reading another writers? Well, thats a whole other story. And so the questions persist. Will there be new traffic to my site and how do I get it? How do I get people interested in what I have to say? As people we are very fickle and set in our ways and there are so many blogs out there. Should I go from a free site to a paid one? Those are just a few of the questions plaguing me about this change.
There is no commitment made as of yet, I've not signed on the dotted line. I am currently working with the 14 day free trial to see if it strikes my fancy enough to shut everything else down and pay for a new site. Before now a few years back actually I would have simply paid and see if it worked out. Today I am a more patient person. I will do the trial, really take time to work on the site and in the last three days remaining, I will put it out there and test it out. It is all perspective after all.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I have a plan. To loose about ten pounds and get fit. To eat well and exercise regularly and reframe my eating habits and not only for the good that in itself brings but for a much more important reason. I want to lower my dialysis days from three to two days a week, and I will. Today I took my first step on the right track. I began with a good workout this morning, researched the foods I should and shouldn't eat on dialysis and bought me some healthy snacks. I have been wanting to get fit for ages, always promising myself this was the day, that i'd begin next week but the incentive just wasn't there and ever since I had this illness crawl up on me like a thief trying to steal my life I will admit I lost a lot of my stamina and desire to do much of anything. As of today I have recaptured some of that desire and the first thing that gave it to me was the energy I recouped after I worked out. I feel like a new me!! I am exited and ready to go. The other overwhelming reason for wanting to do this right, aside of course from wanting to be here for my kids and having a long life with Ed is the all important fact that I can lower my dialysis days from three to two times per week. For any dialysis patient out there this is BIG. Anyone on dialysis will tell you how this disease not only strips your energy and will but that it completely transforms your life, leaving you little time or energy for anything else. Even spending time with your loved ones becomes an insurmountable chore. Going out, eating out, vacations, it all revolves around dialysis. There is nothing you can't do without first taking into account weather and how it will affect your body or dialysis schedule. This possibility is an amazing motivator for me. I can't fully express how exiting this is for me. To get part of my life back would be amazing. So I have begun today. My quest is to eventually be dialysis free but my first step is to minimize it with diet and exercise as much as I can that I may have an assemblage somewhat of a normal life again. One step at a time it will all fall into place. This is my one step. I will keep going until I can run.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
That's the first feeling
When I see you waiting for me
A feeling a little
Will you hurt me today?
Sometimes you're easy with me because you know how
Sensitive I am
Even the small jabs hurt
I will never become accustomed to the pain
I see you so often now you have almost become a friend
Frenemy of mine
Because though you bring me life
I know you don't love me
My beneficial sacrifice in blood
Will never appease you until I am cut
And my parts are replaced
Until then we walk
Slowly to the grave
And I shall leave you there
This weekend I went to an event that impacted my view on race relations and brainwashing and this time low and behold I wasn't taught this lesson by a white person as it has been in most of my race related lessons, but by a whole auditorium of African american parents and their children. This on its own made me quite sad. The children I am certain knew no better for we are our children's teachers so this falls completely on the parents shoulders. I wonder though if it truly lies completely on their shoulders however. What I saw at this event honestly made me a believer in the systematic brainwashing done to Africans when they arrived in this country. The removal of their families, their identities, their belief systems all washed away and supplanted by false white gods, false white words and names and most of all white beliefs. The strongest belief itself being that "white" is better.
As I sat at this event I was taken aback at the many examples that every adult there honestly believed that white is better. Its not that the people there acted white because good manners and the display of education is not a white thing it is a human thing. Everyone has a duty to be educated and represent themselves in the very best light as a human being so lets get that out of the way. The issue for me personally was that there was not one ethnic representation anywhere to be seen. There was no ethnic dances, not one ethnic recitation, not even an ethnic outfit to be seen among the performers to represent the slightest pride in being African and this was an African American event. It left me in awe how every expression was a copy of Caucasian lifestyle and mannerisms. Every dance was performed to Caucasian music, the fashion Caucasian as well, yet that can all be passed over because as I stated before this has been taught as "good" systematically for centuries. What I could not pass over was the MC's speech before the debutants and their suitors were to display their all white outfits.
She says: "You will all soon see your children in the perfect interpretation of white. The sign of purity, cleanliness and perfection. The way of light and all that is right, clean and blameless. The only color devoid of color and so it is perfect."
My mouth hit the floor with her lame definition of white. How do you doubt anyone could help but see black as being darkness, un-pure and sinful if you yourself are describing white as being the best thing known to you as an African American? Do you honestly believe that your children will see themselves as the light of God themselves when you make sure to cloak them in your dark words? I was shaken that no one saw or even understood an affront when they heard it. I wanted with all my heart to stand and ask if that was a joke. Especially since black is the only color devoid of color. White is the inclusion of all colors. Not one person rose to confront anything this woman said and it dawned on me with a remarkable sense of disgust and sadness, why would they? every person there believed her explicit definition of white. How as a people can you overcome such an absolute. Such an inbred belief that you are no better than darkness. I will tell you this, if I did not believe in the brainwashing of the African people in this country by the white man, I am irrefutably convinced now. In that moment I was disturbed to my core, shocked and shaken. Some people may believe reading this that I am making a lot out of a whole lot of nothing but the truth is that if this is where we are now, we have not come far at all from the field. The mentality is still in the plantation and we better get it together and start teaching African children black pride. For as long as we keep allowing our children the belief in that warped definition of white, the shackles will remain with us, they're just painted a different color and that is clear.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
One day, a long time ago I fell in love with Michelangelo. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing, come to think on it I believe I was at a bookstore somewhere in New York. My bookstore trips were frequent when I lived in the city. In my pre iPad days I went places and did things. Now technology's advances keep us grounded at home as we become the lazy of the millennia. Still, I digress. My frequent places were Barnes & Noble and the Met where my fascination with literature and art began, besides the library of course, but those were my younger days. When I first saw the David and Pieta I was in love. I knew he was Italian. I knew that his work was powerful. I knew I had to find out all there was about his history, where he came from and of course what inspired his remarkable work. I devoured his artistic history which began at the tender age of 14. Thus began my love affair with Florence and its greatest artist, in my most humble opinion of course. I'm sure every country has its treasures but no country holds all the treasures of Florence. No where can I imagine as I do there, the amazing feast for the senses that I would be in for. The art alone would take days to appreciate properly let alone the architecture. The Trevi fountain and the Spanish steps would bring hours of discovery. I long to sit at the foot the fountain and have a cold gelato. To cruise the churches, the museums, the ruins and sample the food, but most of all the amazing history. What more can one ask for than to wake in a land where so many brilliant artists once walked the streets such as Donatello, Ghirlandaio, DaVinci and of course the master Michelangelo himself, although he never saw himself that way. Perfectionists rarely do. Still his work has given me a heart felt desire to travel to Italy and see his creations in person. Who could help, after seeing his work on paper but wish, for an instant to stand before David or Moses? face to face with a masterpiece! That would be a dream come true for me. A life long desire. And one day I will. That I promise myself. Italy will know my face and I will know Michelangelo.
Monday, March 12, 2012
~I think I would rather possess eyes that know no sight, ears that know no sound, hands that know no touch than a heart that knows no love.~
Love. I think of love and I wonder,
what does it mean to this world of woe?
How are we to focus on love when
the world is a distressed old woman with mental issues.
A heartbreak addict and we are it's supplier.
The news emerges at the crack of dawn with the bang
the pistol that just killed the twelve year old down the street holding the rubber gun with the orange tip. And love is supposed to be on our mind
while the baby lays in the garbage can while her mommie peddles her body for a bottle of oxxy. Sweet.
Love. A tragedy not even Shakespeare would have evoked
I despise the word would be his tale in this lost age
At the stroke of midnight, we prepare
For another disastrous chance at creating the almost.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Let us gear toward our beloved pedestrians. The blessed law for lack of a better word, in jersey has made it that they have the right of way all the time. Light or no light which has only caused most of these unfortunate idiots to believe that cars now, have no rights at all. These morons now choose to willingly propel themselves in front of any car, in the middle of
any street. They blatantly jump into the street with what I can only imagine is the strict belief that they have become kin to superman so cars won't hurt. They prance into the street with the athletic ease of the special Olympians, causing me to stop short which then only makes me want to get out of my car to pummel them accordingly. It gets me so angry that all I want to do is rage against the machine that created this idiocy, and so, we come to the law of our fair Middletown, New Jersey.
If you want racist cops, come here. We have racial profilers in droves. A cop here will bypass a speeding white man in order to ticket a jaywalking person of color. Yes, I've seen it happen. In fact it happens to my man all the time. Of course they give you the false kind talk, pretending they believe you to be a regular citizen but trust me, you are of no worth here. They always have a reason and when they don't they posses the luck of the Irish with making one up. If you have any delusions of speaking to a cop here like a white person on cops, think again, if you possess any melanin that is. These are the sad state of affairs in our little town and that's why my man and me will be hitting the road when my child is done with high school and with any luck I will take one of these self righteous, entitled assholes with me. Under my wheels that is. The end.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
"It makes a great difference in the force of a sentence, whether a man be behind it or no." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why you might ask are lips so important to me? Simple. I am all about the kiss or even just the promise of the kiss That all consuming heart wrenching kiss that makes your knees weak and your heart race. The kind that makes you long to fight so there can be some passionate make up kisses in the works. Yes! Those are the ones. That is the first feature that captures my eye and my imagination. I revel in the thoughts of, Oh the traveling that those lips may do. The mind is a terrible thing to waste when you have so many scenarios to contemplate. Yet despite the lips a good kisser must accompany those succulent lips for what is the hot dog without the ketchup. One must also be wise with the practice of a beautiful mouth lest it acquire a bad reputation. And so my conclusion is this. If you have a succulent beautiful mouth, god bless you! Pay it forward!! Kisses!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
All the possibilities become
Should haves that would have been done
Before the blade fell
Inconsistent days blaze a trail through your
Existence half in shadow
Rage against the dying of the light or so
The line goes
As you get bled dry
Darkness still falls
And rage is of no use when no one is really listening.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
An impossible hue of never
I'm in love with never loosing
Accepting only what can be changed
Made better, returned to sender
Infatuated with the miracle man
He makes all my dreams come true with a flick
And a cue without a clue as to what I may say
I am a definite fool for his word
It always rings true
Crystal clear bell
Breaking a spell he never cast
Reality is where he dwells
Building cascading shells I climb into the sunshine
Love breathes through the vines
Of what I have now become
Sanguine, stealth and refined
We are entwined
I love when people tell me that racism is dead. When someone tells me this I usually shrug it off and neatly place them in the ignorant pile of my conscienceless. I have learned that some people can't be changed and neither can their minds, especially if they have never experienced the sting of being ostracized. It is beyond me that every Caucasian person you come across believes there is no racism in the USA, and wholeheartedly at that! They truly and honestly believe its over, but what can you expect when they have never been rejected on the base of race,color or creed. I digress. What brought me to this subject was not a racist white person, they're very pc about the things they say. Some might be racist but stupid they are not. This ignorance hit me harder because it came from a Latina, a Puerto Rican woman. Someone I never expected to hear such nonsense from since we are all minorities. Don't fool yourselves, we are ALL minorities. I don't care if you're African , European, Latino or Asian. We all came from somewhere so unless your name is he who flies like the eagle I don't want to hear it. Back to the reason for my blog.
To set the scene I must let you know that my profession is as a nanny. I have done it for over 20 years now helping raise countless children. I love what I do, this is a calling for me and it takes great strength to do this job well. It turns out that I take my kids to many places and activities throughout the week and at one of these activities there are plenty of parents which I have become acquainted with. One of these parents is the person I am referring to here. We were both sitting in the waiting room when she told me she wanted to ask me a question. Before she asked the question she proceeded to tell me she was pregnant with twins due next summer, how she had had a great Mexican nanny in the past and how she prefers her nanny to only speak Spanish to her children of which she has three already without the two on the way. I am already approaching the uncomfortable stage by the inflection in her tone when she says Mexican as if it were a disease. This Mexican woman seems to be good enough to raise her children yet she seems to think her beneath her somehow.
I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue the conversation. She continues by telling me she wants this woman to return to work for her and in the same breath tells me this lady is undocumented, that she had returned to Mexico. She told me, and here is the whopper, " she returned to Mexico because she got pregnant, you know those Mexicans." I was dumbfounded. Are Mexicans not allowed to have children or go back to their country? Or is it that in your self righteous state you believe this woman has ruined your plans for her to raise your brats while you galavant around pretending to be a mother. So I told her " oh, she left to raise her own child because she got pregnant? Like you?" I don't think that sat to well with her. The fact that she was a minority herself trying to put another minority down really chapped my ass. How dare you bespeak another woman trying to do for herself because she won't come here to be your servant! How about you close your fucking legs or better yet raise your hellions yourself?
I have seen it all a racist puerto Rican from jersey, wanting a Mexican undocumented woman to raise her five kids for her, speak only Spanish to them and risk her life crossing the border because shes just that special. I had two words for her good luck. If that woman even has a clue as to what this woman is like she will never return. I am hoping so anyways. It is sad really what people think is ok. I am taken aback every time I experience racism but this took me to places I've not been yet.
Racism is NOT dead. If anything it's spreading like the disease it is. I continue to be amazed at the ignorance but I unlike many I won't brush it under the rug. I will confront every ignorant soul I come across and weather they listen or not I will state my case that they may know for certain that we are not alike. Injustice and ignorance has no home here and I will make sure you know this.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Should we have all had resolutions this year? Do you honestly in your heart of hearts believe they make a difference in your life or is it what's behind the resolution, the actual resolve to make it happen. As I sit here by my window I see three men arguing almost ready to fight about some nonsense and I wonder it that's anywhere how they intended to begin their new year. Was there a resolution to be more reasonable? Did it quickly devolve with the anger and animosity they seem to be under now? Seems to me that's the way all resolutions fade. When we are faced with the obstacle we intend to overcome head on our resolve wavers. The promises become shaky. All the up and down swearing we did as the new year approached went from set and certain to deluded and confused. Perhaps it's best to leave the resolutions aside and just resolve to accept your human frailty. The fact that you will continue to make mistakes and the simple wish that at the time you are to make a decision, you choose wisely. Perhaps the resolution should be to simply be a better version of you and accept that as a person all we can resolve is our own inadequacies. Happy New Year!