Today.....

Today was made to explore the regions of my psyche

That I have not explored before

My senses

In various ways will awaken

That it may transfer to my work in one way or the other

Free

Write

Without thought

Let the waters of my mind melt the obstacles like summer rain

No process

My process

Excess of words

Create beauty and horror simultaneously

Bring it to the page, flowers to a dieing grave

Sleep with my rage

Give the world a taste of me

I bring peace to the old

Turmoil to the young

Open fully without regard

To leave a piece of me behind

I poeticize

Criticize the ways

of stress and strife

It’s what I do…

And We Love.....Just like that.....

I love him
yes... I always did and I
will continue to do so
dispite the distance
at times
when he can't be
near me
I seep into my dreams of
him
in my shell
I keep
him
daily I breathe his name
simply one word at a time I explore his mind
and I am blind
to all else when I see me through his eyes...

He
loves me I know
when his shaddow passes
over my bed
my spirit in sleep I feel
him come
levitate my soul
and I rest in his heart
bent to fit perfectly in
his every crevice
designed for his imperfections.....

Complicated......

Complications of life are what I'm made of
I make the air I breathe into carbon
monoxide
poisoned and the water I drink seeps from
one end to the other of me
not without it's difficult travel
through mountains of sharp small
painful turns
curves trapped in un-seeming forms
a war within my cells
and the pretty smile of the shell above
crack the spine
truth lies beneath
the glass heart
and broken wings
flying a million miles
to redemption....

... AS I SIT HERE THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE... THE BIGGEST LESSON I'VE LEARNED IS....

The truth is that this situation in my life now has prompted me to think of all the things we deem important in this life, which in truth in the grand scheme of things are of no consequence but what we apply to them.

it has made me think of the petty battles, the comical statements and what we value in this life.

the greatest lesson I have learned is that nothing is permanent, NOTHING. Not your anger, not your happpiness, not your illussions or dis of for it is all a dream.

My greatest question is do you have honest and real love

do you treat others as you'd have it

are you happy dieing today certain that you have been who you were meant to be

HAVE YOU COMPLETED YOUR MISSION??



WHY ARE YOU HERE...CAN YOU SAY YOU FOUND AND DONE THAT?



My life has changed for a reason...

have i loved? Yes,,, profoundly

AND NOW I WILL LOVE BETTER AND LONGER



Have I treated others as I'd have it always?

NO

BUT I INTEND TO GIVE IT MY ALL ONE DAY OF MY LIFE LEFT AT A TIME



Am I happy dieing today knowing that you have been who you were meant to be

YES!!

I HAVE BEEN ME AND THOSE WHO KNOW ME KNOW THIS

I have never been anyone but who i am to anyone I have been the best me for the 40 years this life has afforded me

I SHALL BE SUPER ME FOR THE NEXT 40!



I WILL WALK WITH THIS LESSON UNTIL WE HAVE BECOME FAMILY, LOVERS...BEST FRIENDS.

I WILL KNOW IT AS IT KNOWS ME AND WHEN WE NO LONGER NEED EACHOTHER IT WILL BE TAKEN FROM ME AND MY FLIGHT WILL BE

ETERNITY

A LESSON FOR ALL TO SEE

HOW FRIVOLOUSLY WE TREAT OUR SPIRITS DAILY

I WILL BE THE WRITTEN WORD

THE SPEECH YOU PREACH

AND SAY AMEN TO

IN MY HEALTH AFTER MY ILLNESS I WILL TEACH YOU HOW

TO LIVE



I AM HERE

AS A LIGHT IN YOUR DARKNES

I AM NOT THEE LIGHT I AM ONE LIGHT

THE ONE GIVEN TO YOU TO SEE BY

AND IN THIS WEAKNESS I NOW FEEL

I SHALL MAKE YOU STRONG

AND YOU ARE GRATEFUL NOT TO BE ME?

I AM GRATEFUL NOT TO BE YOU

FOR WHAT YOU MAY DEEM MY CURSE IS MY VISION

AND BY GOD I SEE...

The value of Love & Friendship....

                              
                            It has come home to me today the thought of the value which love and frendship merit. I have learned the truth of both during these past weeks of being ill. Of course we never trully know everything I doubt we ever do but we do become more knowledgeable during the most difficult of our experiences, and so i have. I am lucky. I have a large loving family and i have friends that though are few are always there when times get tough. I want to take this moment and this blog to thank all of them. My children, mother, brothers, cousins, friends and  my very bestest  friend. I love you all and I thank you for walking with me through this difficult path. You are all my strength and my will to live and fight resides in you all.

THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU

The Dialysis girl....

The Chair

Here I am dialyzing again. So how is the world out there? I assume as it is when you have any illness be it cancer, diabetes or aids. It moves and sways, travels and breaths. And it doesn't stop because of me or anyone of us in any dilemma. And still I sit here not with any feeling of pity for me that is not what this is about. There is something I'm here to learn though I have no clarity into it now. I will learn it. My blood gets renewed here. They cleans me here. And were it not so I might not be here. Blessings abound. I am lucky to be born at this age for 30 years ago the possibility of my mechanical kidney might not exist and neither might my life.

We Must look at the Blessings...

- BlooWriter

Location:E Front St,Red Bank,United States

The Patch...dealing with Dialysis.....

                             I must say I haven't blogged for a few out of lazyness and life. things have been happening that everyone who loves me and most who know me have had a first row seat into. The truth is i have been pretty frightened for the past few weeks about where i am and where i am going and though my journal has witnessed much of my fear, my blog hasn't. So...

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW....
1. I recently found out i have kidney desease
2. I'm trying to find out what disabled really means cause as far as the world is concerned that's what i now am.
3. I'm still trying to be the backbone of my family, the hardass mom who can carry the world alone and it's getting old.
4. I am tring to get used to being hooked up to a machine 3 days a week.

So those are just a few of the drama induced issues i am trying to deal with right now. It is hard yes, and alone even harder though i am circled by people who really love me and i am forever grateful. Still....

The patch that covers my dialysis hook up on my right breast always reminds me of the fight i must now battle. I have been afraid but never enough to give up. I am here to stay and it's not solely out of faith but belief. I have come here for a purpose.... tis not achieved yet, ask me again in 40 years.

Death can not take you until you give it permission
It's wait unless God puts his foot down
is long with me
I will look at you carefully
as you will no doubt look at me
And still
I will STAND.....