There it Is

There it is
Where she put it last beside your heart
And you must believe
That she cares
for every other thought would be heresy
And you're a faithful man when you're not
Thinking of the woman you really want
To be with on those lonely nights when
Just ok won't satisfy
The longing for her pulls you
Fish on a hook
Her bait is so good
Satiated and never quite full
Of the mornings you'll never wake without her
Inside
Your mind
In hindsight you should have said yes
When she asked for forever


- BlooWriter

Complicated......

Complications of life are what I'm made of
I make the air I breathe into carbon
monoxide
poisoned and the water I drink seeps from
one end to the other of me
not without it's difficult travel
through mountains of sharp small
painful turns
curves trapped in un-seeming forms
a war within my cells
and the pretty smile of the shell above
crack the spine
truth lies beneath
the glass heart
and broken wings
flying a million miles
to redemption....

The Patch...dealing with Dialysis.....

                             I must say I haven't blogged for a few out of lazyness and life. things have been happening that everyone who loves me and most who know me have had a first row seat into. The truth is i have been pretty frightened for the past few weeks about where i am and where i am going and though my journal has witnessed much of my fear, my blog hasn't. So...

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW....
1. I recently found out i have kidney desease
2. I'm trying to find out what disabled really means cause as far as the world is concerned that's what i now am.
3. I'm still trying to be the backbone of my family, the hardass mom who can carry the world alone and it's getting old.
4. I am tring to get used to being hooked up to a machine 3 days a week.

So those are just a few of the drama induced issues i am trying to deal with right now. It is hard yes, and alone even harder though i am circled by people who really love me and i am forever grateful. Still....

The patch that covers my dialysis hook up on my right breast always reminds me of the fight i must now battle. I have been afraid but never enough to give up. I am here to stay and it's not solely out of faith but belief. I have come here for a purpose.... tis not achieved yet, ask me again in 40 years.

Death can not take you until you give it permission
It's wait unless God puts his foot down
is long with me
I will look at you carefully
as you will no doubt look at me
And still
I will STAND.....

The Performance....By: BlooWriter

I'm gonna do this!! I HAVE TO DO THIS!

The day began.
I began. Nervous. The day I would perform.
I had my words ready. My stomach i will not speak for.

There would be quite a few other performers that night and I was certain they would all be much better than me. More talented, inspired and definitely less worried.

But I had to do this, dispite the gitters in my gut, the indicision, the honest belief that I would choke. And so I cluttered my mind and hands with things to do and decided the day would play out as it would.

I helped with the venue, greetings, laughing with the fabulous women who were there as well to share their words, their life experiences.

It gave me Strength, hope and the will to make it fly.
As the ladies gathered and began expressing their fears I realized I was among sisters in my very same shoes.
nervous ones
fearful ones...
and I knew i was among family.

As I took the stage encourgement sprang from every corner of the room and I knew then

I CAN DO THIS..

And i did.

The Boy that Never Was....By: Bloowriter

          










Do you remember when you were in Jr. High. Do you remember that crush that you believed would turn your heart to mush by the pure sight of that which you believed to be your forever. That one person you would wake an hour early to make certain your hair was just right, your outfit perfect before you left for school in hopes that they would be the first person to see you in the morning. Oh how it brings me back..back to a time of now and laters, red hots and lemonheads. A time when one dollar would get you a bag of candy big enough to give your whole neighborhood cavities. Those are the times i find myself reminicing about today but in particular to the boy that never was.
                        His name was Gabriel and I swore at the time that he would be the ONE. The boy that would carry me from the horrors of my pre pubesant world and all its agonies. All I saw in my minds eye as I arived at school was sandy brown hair, big brown eyes and possibilities. The only thing I did not see in all of my meanderings thru wishville was the simple and most obvious fact. Gabriel did not like me "that way". To him I was one of his boys. The boy he would cut class with and read comics with in the privacy of his bedroom on 184 street where he lived with his mom. I was the chill with girl, the fun friend that you knew was a girl only because of the long fabulous hair and the feminine voice. The girl you were completely honest and open with because you could never imagine she was carrying a torch for you.
                      Yes he was the boy that never was but I learned so much from him. I learned that a girl could really be friends with a boy. That no matter how much he didn't like me that way he never refused to treat me with respect and give me an honored place in friendship. I learned forever after that boys were people too, with feelings and kindness to give in their own right. I learned that love comes in many colors.
                      The last time I saw Gabriel I was twenty and a mother with a boy of my own. We had both grown up for the most part but the memories of our friendship had not faded. We were still those two kids who hung out at his moms cutting class and eating junkfood making fools of ourselves. It reminded me that our childhoods never really fade, we carry them with us and when they are good they improve us as the boy that never was, did me.