I'll Take that Challenge!!

I have a plan. To loose about ten pounds and get fit. To eat well and exercise regularly and reframe my eating habits and not only for the good that in itself brings but for a much more important reason. I want to lower my dialysis days from three to two days a week, and I will. Today I took my first step on the right track. I began with a good workout this morning, researched the foods I should and shouldn't eat on dialysis and bought me some healthy snacks. I have been wanting to get fit for ages, always promising myself this was the day, that i'd begin next week but the incentive just wasn't there and ever since I had this illness crawl up on me like a thief trying to steal my life I will admit I lost a lot of my stamina and desire to do much of anything. As of today I have recaptured some of that desire and the first thing that gave it to me was the energy I recouped after I worked out. I feel like a new me!! I am exited and ready to go. The other overwhelming reason for wanting to do this right, aside of course from wanting to be here for my kids and having a long life with Ed is the all important fact that I can lower my dialysis days from three to two times per week. For any dialysis patient out there this is BIG. Anyone on dialysis will tell you how this disease not only strips your energy and will but that it completely transforms your life, leaving you little time or energy for anything else. Even spending time with your loved ones becomes an insurmountable chore. Going out, eating out, vacations, it all revolves around dialysis. There is nothing you can't do without first taking into account weather and how it will affect your body or dialysis schedule. This possibility is an amazing motivator for me. I can't fully express how exiting this is for me. To get part of my life back would be amazing. So I have begun today. My quest is to eventually be dialysis free but my first step is to minimize it with diet and exercise as much as I can that I may have an assemblage somewhat of a normal life again. One step at a time it will all fall into place. This is my one step. I will keep going until I can run.

Needles

Nerves
That's the first feeling
When I see you waiting for me
A feeling a little
Of despair
Will you hurt me today?
Sometimes you're easy with me because you know how
Sensitive I am
Even the small jabs hurt
I will never become accustomed to the pain
I see you so often now you have almost become a friend
Frenemy of mine
Because though you bring me life
I know you don't love me
My beneficial sacrifice in blood
Will never appease you until I am cut
Wide open
And my parts are replaced
Until then we walk
Slowly to the grave
And I shall leave you there

Black: Devoid of Color

This weekend I went to an event that impacted my view on race relations and brainwashing and this time low and behold I wasn't taught this lesson by a white person as it has been in most of my race related lessons, but by a whole auditorium of African american parents and their children. This on its own made me quite sad. The children I am certain knew no better for we are our children's teachers so this falls completely on the parents shoulders. I wonder though if it truly lies completely on their shoulders however. What I saw at this event honestly made me a believer in the systematic brainwashing done to Africans when they arrived in this country. The removal of their families, their identities, their belief systems all washed away and supplanted by false white gods, false white words and names and most of all white beliefs. The strongest belief itself being that "white" is better.
As I sat at this event I was taken aback at the many examples that every adult there honestly believed that white is better. Its not that the people there acted white because good manners and the display of education is not a white thing it is a human thing. Everyone has a duty to be educated and represent themselves in the very best light as a human being so lets get that out of the way. The issue for me personally was that there was not one ethnic representation anywhere to be seen. There was no ethnic dances, not one ethnic recitation, not even an ethnic outfit to be seen among the performers to represent the slightest pride in being African and this was an African American event. It left me in awe how every expression was a copy of Caucasian lifestyle and mannerisms. Every dance was performed to Caucasian music, the fashion Caucasian as well, yet that can all be passed over because as I stated before this has been taught as "good" systematically for centuries. What I could not pass over was the MC's speech before the debutants and their suitors were to display their all white outfits.

She says: "You will all soon see your children in the perfect interpretation of white. The sign of purity, cleanliness and perfection. The way of light and all that is right, clean and blameless. The only color devoid of color and so it is perfect."

My mouth hit the floor with her lame definition of white. How do you doubt anyone could help but see black as being darkness, un-pure and sinful if you yourself are describing white as being the best thing known to you as an African American? Do you honestly believe that your children will see themselves as the light of God themselves when you make sure to cloak them in your dark words? I was shaken that no one saw or even understood an affront when they heard it. I wanted with all my heart to stand and ask if that was a joke. Especially since black is the only color devoid of color. White is the inclusion of all colors. Not one person rose to confront anything this woman said and it dawned on me with a remarkable sense of disgust and sadness, why would they? every person there believed her explicit definition of white. How as a people can you overcome such an absolute. Such an inbred belief that you are no better than darkness. I will tell you this, if I did not believe in the brainwashing of the African people in this country by the white man, I am irrefutably convinced now. In that moment I was disturbed to my core, shocked and shaken. Some people may believe reading this that I am making a lot out of a whole lot of nothing but the truth is that if this is where we are now, we have not come far at all from the field. The mentality is still in the plantation and we better get it together and start teaching African children black pride. For as long as we keep allowing our children the belief in that warped definition of white, the shackles will remain with us, they're just painted a different color and that is clear.

Where I wanna Go

One day, a long time ago I fell in love with Michelangelo. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing, come to think on it I believe I was at a bookstore somewhere in New York. My bookstore trips were frequent when I lived in the city. In my pre iPad days I went places and did things. Now technology's advances keep us grounded at home as we become the lazy of the millennia. Still, I digress. My frequent places were Barnes & Noble and the Met where my fascination with literature and art began, besides the library of course, but those were my younger days. When I first saw the David and Pieta I was in love. I knew he was Italian. I knew that his work was powerful. I knew I had to find out all there was about his history, where he came from and of course what inspired his remarkable work. I devoured his artistic history which began at the tender age of 14. Thus began my love affair with Florence and its greatest artist, in my most humble opinion of course. I'm sure every country has its treasures but no country holds all the treasures of Florence. No where can I imagine as I do there, the amazing feast for the senses that I would be in for. The art alone would take days to appreciate properly let alone the architecture. The Trevi fountain and the Spanish steps would bring hours of discovery. I long to sit at the foot the fountain and have a cold gelato. To cruise the churches, the museums, the ruins and sample the food, but most of all the amazing history. What more can one ask for than to wake in a land where so many brilliant artists once walked the streets such as Donatello, Ghirlandaio, DaVinci and of course the master Michelangelo himself, although he never saw himself that way. Perfectionists rarely do. Still his work has given me a heart felt desire to travel to Italy and see his creations in person. Who could help, after seeing his work on paper but wish, for an instant to stand before David or Moses? face to face with a masterpiece! That would be a dream come true for me. A life long desire. And one day I will. That I promise myself. Italy will know my face and I will know Michelangelo.

A world of Tragedy

~I think I would rather possess eyes that know no sight, ears that know no sound, hands that know no touch than a heart that knows no love.~





Love. I think of love and I wonder,
what does it mean to this world of woe?
How are we to focus on love when
the world is a distressed old woman with mental issues.
A heartbreak addict and we are it's supplier.
The news emerges at the crack of dawn with the bang
the pistol that just killed the twelve year old down the street holding the rubber gun with the orange tip. And love is supposed to be on our mind
while the baby lays in the garbage can while her mommie peddles her body for a bottle of oxxy. Sweet.
Love. A tragedy not even Shakespeare would have evoked
I despise the word would be his tale in this lost age
At the stroke of midnight, we prepare
For another disastrous chance at creating the almost.

Why'd the Chicken cross The Road

                    Let me begin by stating that I live in New Jersey. I have lived here for about twelve years now although I would never think its been that long, it has. I don't know about what's going on in your neck of the woods I will simple iterate what is going on in mine as far as the subject I'm here to speak on. What is the subject you say? That would be pedestrians, driving, and the law. To tell you the truth I am absolutely sick of driving in jersey. Were it not due to the simple inevitability of getting anywhere without a car I would have stepped out on wheels a long time ago. I would have put on my dusty nikes and hiked to it. I don't know if there is an overwhelming amount of ignoramus out here or what, but damn!! Every other car is making a blunder worthy of being called a Bush-ism. They cut you off, tailgate, run their beamers behind you and best of all pass you on every occasion. Double lines are not exempt. This place has the largest amount of reckless drivers and insensitive assholes. They do the most unlawful things with their cars for which they're never stopped by the so called law. Of course were I the offender my license along with my money would take a long hiatus for New Jersey as well as being the asshole driver capital of the world, is also the most racist place I have had the misfortune to live. The law here only applies when you are the shade of burnt vanilla or darker but I digress. 
         Let us gear toward our beloved pedestrians. The blessed law for lack of a better word, in jersey has made it that they have the right of way all the time. Light or no light which has only caused most of these unfortunate idiots to believe that cars now, have no rights at all. These morons now choose to willingly propel themselves in front of any car, in the middle of
any street. They blatantly jump into the street with what I can only imagine is the strict belief that they have become kin to superman so cars won't hurt. They prance into the street with the athletic ease of the special Olympians, causing me to stop short which then only makes me want to get out of my car to pummel them accordingly. It gets me so angry that all I want to do is rage against the machine that created this idiocy, and so, we come to the law of our fair Middletown, New Jersey. 
                  If you want racist cops, come here. We have racial profilers in droves. A cop here will bypass a speeding white man in order to ticket a jaywalking person of color. Yes, I've seen it happen. In fact it happens to my man all the time. Of course they give you the false kind talk, pretending they believe you to be a regular citizen but trust me, you are of no worth here. They always have a reason and when they don't they posses the luck of the Irish with making one up. If you have any delusions of speaking to a cop here like a white person on cops, think again, if you possess any melanin that is. These are the sad state of affairs in our little town and that's why my man and me will be hitting the road when my child is done with high school and with any luck I will take one of these self righteous, entitled assholes with me. Under my wheels that is. The end. 

The Lips have It

                   When it comes to the human physique we are all unique however there is always that one thing for each of us that makes us go : well damn, there's something I'd like to sample. For me, that is a set of soft, warm well endowed lips on a brown skinned man. To me there is nothing better than a black man with a pair of healthy kissable lips. They make promises before they even open and if they cover a beautiful smile it's all over! I can be mesmerized by a good conversation coming from a tantalizing mouth, easily. 

"It makes a great difference in the force of a sentence, whether a man be behind it or no."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

               Why you might ask are lips so important to me? Simple. I am all about the kiss or even just the promise of the kiss  That all consuming heart wrenching kiss that makes your knees weak and your heart race. The kind that makes you long to fight so there can be some passionate make up kisses in the works. Yes! Those are the ones. That is the first feature that captures my eye and my imagination. I revel in the thoughts of, Oh the traveling that those lips may do. The mind is a terrible thing to waste when you have so many scenarios to contemplate. Yet despite the lips a good kisser must accompany those succulent lips for what is the hot dog without the ketchup. One must also be wise with the practice of a beautiful mouth lest it acquire a bad reputation. And so my conclusion is this. If you have a succulent beautiful mouth, god bless you! Pay it forward!! Kisses!!